Stick to the small screen, Donald Trump! 15 of his ridiculous TV appearances
So, hideously bouffant New York billionaire Donald Trump wants to be the next President of the United States, and, much to our horror, people are actually supporting him. Damn. To mitigate our overwhelming feelings of apocalyptic doom over this, we thought we’d take a look back to a happier time, when we would have never imagined the much mocked businessman and media personality to become an actual GOP presidential contender. Oh, how innocent it all seemed back then…
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Evidently Trump had a long history of wanting to move black families out of their houses long before he set his sights on taking over the White House from the Obamas. Here he is attempting to buy the Banks’ family home in Season 4, Episode 25 of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. “I like keeping a low profile” and “Everybody’s always blaming me for everything” are particularly stand-out lines.
In case you haven’t heard of NightMan, allow us to quote its anonymously penned IMDB synopsis:
“After lightning strikes saxophonist Johnny Domino, he finds he is telepathically tuned to the frequency of evil. This gives him an edge for finding the bad guys, and some special classified wearable gear gives him an edge for fighting them”, reads the show’s description. Who better to make a guest appearance in such a ludicrously farfetched programme than Donald Trump?
QVC promo for Trump Steaks
Before he entered the lucrative field of presidential politics, one of Trump’s weirder failed business ideas was selling mail-order steaks and burgers via QVC. While you can no longer buy these meats, you can, much to our joy, still read their QVC customer reviews. “Extremely greasy” and “tasteless and mealy” are among the top descriptions, however “No redeeming qualities” has got to be our favourite. So much for ‘Quality, Value, Convenience’.
This is where things get genuinely horrifying. Watch Donald enter the WWE Wrestlemania arena with a babe-for-hire on each arm, before throwing Vince McMahon to the ground and aggressively clobbering him. “The hostile takeover of Donald Trump”, forebodingly growls one of the commentators. Seriously, America? You’re actually considering this guy to be your next leader?
The Marriage Ref
Keeping things classy, here’s Trump as a panellist on that ever respectable game show which features couples who’ve have been having an ongoing argument, and a rotating team of ‘celebrities’ who decide the winners of the real-life marital disputes. Having already been married three times, it’s no wonder the producers of the show thought Trump would be an expert on the matter by now.
Speaking of those failed marriages, here’s Trump and his first wife Ivana having a very romantic and glamorous conversation about how to eat stuffed crust pizza. It’s all fun and games until things take a rather dark turn, as Ivana reaches out to take the last slice of pizza, and Donny grabs her arm. “You’re only entitled to half”, he says. It wouldn’t be the last time he’d utter those words… It wouldn’t be Trump’s last pizza commercial, either.
Donald had divorced both Ivana and his second wife Marla by the time this Pizza Hut advert hit TV screens down under. “Why do New Yorkers have such big mouths? Because they eat big pizza from Pizza Hut!” says the voiceover in reference to the loudmouthed mogul. “Go big or go home”, Trump yells. Getting in some advance practice of telling people to ‘go home’, it seems.
Before he was on The Apprentice, Trump cameoed on the short lived ABC single-camera comedy The Job. We would have found it completely implausible for Liz Hurley to pretend to fancy Donald Trump, had she not since been engaged to similarly vile Australian cricketer Shane Warne.
This episode of NBC’s Suddenly Susan actually foresees Donald Trump running for President. Let’s hope it didn’t give him the idea in the first place, or Kathy Griffin’ll have a whole lot of explaining to do. Watch below for that spookily accurate magazine cover, plus some wholly unoriginal jokes about Trump being a rich guy.
Sex and the City
“Samantha, a Cosmopolitan, and Donald Trump. You just don’t get more New York than that”, reads Carrie Bradshaw’s voiceover. Luckily, that was the extent of Trump’s cameo on the show, meaning we didn’t have to watch any emotionally scarring scenes of the sexist pig trying to hit on one of our fave gals.
The Drew Carey Show
Trump’s appearance in this clip is just so not funny. We can’t decide whether it’s The Drew Carey Show‘s typically lazy writing, or Trump’s incredibly poor sportsmanship, that makes the cameo so confoundingly pointless. What we do know, however, is that Trump’s hair looked just as stomach-churning back when this was filmed twenty years ago as it does today.
It really riles us that this scene from Spin City seems to imply some intelligence on the part of Donald Trump. So what if his ghost writer penned a couple of books in his name? The guy’s still a moron. You’re better than this, Matthew J. Fox!
This clip from The Nanny is even more offensive to our sensibilities, as Trump enters the scene to much canned applause and is later described as a “handsome zillionaire” by Fran Drescher. Ick. We’d take Maxwell over him any day…
Thanks to this tuneless rendition of the theme from Green Acres at the 2005 Emmy Awards, we can add singing to our list of things Donald Trump is absolutely awful at. We can just imagine Megan Mullally scrubbing her face and vomiting after receiving that horrible kiss.
Finally, here’s Trump back in 2003, introducing himself as the host of The Apprentice while flying around over Manhattan in one of his private jets. “New York; my city … If you’re not careful, it can chew you up and spit you out”, reads Trump as the camera pans to a homeless man sleeping on a bench. Hmm. He then details how he owns “buildings all over the place, model agencies, the Miss Universe pageant, jet liners, golf courses, casinos, and private resorts”, before claiming “it wasn’t always so easy” for him. Wait a minute; wasn’t his father multi-millionaire real estate developer Fred Trump? So basically, Trump’s take on the American Dream is you either get born into wealth and privilege, debase yourself by appearing on his shitty reality show, or end up like our poor hobo on the street bench. Oh, and we’re loving the irony of the Spanish subtitles here.
Comedy Central’s The Roast of Donald Trump airs at 10:00pm, Sunday February 28th.